Strange Review 6: Jonny Rice

Today's Strange Review comes to you from the face and brains of Jonny Rice, the 2000 Year Old Man.

In the email that accompanied this Strange Review, just like I love it, Jonny reviewed his own review, saying, I might have gotten a little carried away. Which is simultaneously true and not true. Stay tuned til the end, when he puts T.S. Eliot (and his huge nose) in his place.

"I first met Brett Elizabeth Jenkins Braun when she had a different name. If you think about that for a minute, it should blow your mind. YOUR MIND! This woman went by a different name. I was called Huel if that is any indication of how crazy that is. And to top it all off, we did not work at a sex club. This review could not have started any better!

I say these things because they are important and vital and need to be said. Like that one quote from that one movie that you loved as a child. Think of that quote. It was important, right? It made you who you are today. You would be someone different, like Ralph Macchio, were it not for that very important quote, right?

Here is something else that needs to be said: Brett Elizabeth Jenkins Braun has too many names. Also, she is brilliant at things you are not. She is brilliant at extracting whole landfills of emotional refuse from a single line or word or frase. Yeah, I spelled that with an "f." PAY ATTENTION!

Some people never get to that point. They strive and strurve and work and yolk until they can't feel their fingers because for some reason they've gone batty and have slammed them between two hard things. Like a hotplate and a giant inflatable hammer filled with pennies. Why would someone do that?!? To FEEL something, dammit. This is so obvious I don't even know why I have to say it. Just forget it.

Brett Elizabeth Jenkins Braun or Braun Jenkins or what was your camp name again? Zipline? Quadrangle? Argyle? It doesn't matter now. What matters is words. And how you string them together, like spaghetti squash, which, let's face it, while very fun to look at, does not taste like real spaghetti. We all know that. But the idea of it is awesome. Please let's make this about ideas! And beautiful slogans of pain and regret and pencil bites and I love you and surprised by joy. I would borrow your words if I could, and let them flow from my mouth like gorgeous waves of glory and surrender. I would lay down my sword before the towering inferno that is Brett Elizabeth, and crown her with glory and honor and power forever and ever amen. And I don't mean that in a weird way.

I think T.S. Eliot said it best -- "Where are my crumpets, Marjorie?" What an asshole, right?"